However, I've noticed that stage fright has been going through stages
in regard to my storytelling. At first, I was very nervous about telling
in front of a large audience that had paid MONEY...then I was nervous
about telling stories which weren't Scottish or Welsh to anyone....but
the worst attack I had was when I was 1 of 2 local tellers invited to
the Story Ground of the National Council of Teachers of English's
convention 2 yrs. ago. Why? Because I am a former English teacher, and I
felt uncomfortable about being there but not being a teacher, until I
reminded myself that they didn't know that, or why I left teaching, and
that they were no longer peers, that is, I am no longer one of their
peers insofar as teaching is concerned--and I *am* comfortable telling
in front of other tellers. As soon as I remembered what my co-operating
teacher had said during my student teaching in 1976, "You're always most
nervous in front of your peers," and was able to recall that I really
wasn't anymore, I relaxed and just had fun.
I think that one of the major componants of stage fright is that
feeling of being judged negatively. Is it really likely that an audience
will pull out knives and attack if we make a mistake? After all,
observation tells me that those performers most in danger of being
mobbed are superstar rockers, by their fans who wish them well, not ill
(well, most of them, anyway).
I will happily and comfortably tell stories for any member of my
family, with one exception: my father. Dad is a loving but very
judgemental man, whose perceptions are so different from mine that I've
given up trying to bridge that particular abyss. (He only found any
value in my poetry when I was able to tell him that I had sold a haiku
for approximately 23 cents per syllable....Didn't matter to him if I got
anything published anywhere, or won any awards, unless money was
involved. Understand, I don't turn up my nose at money, but not all
artistic ventures are remunerated, especially poetry).
Now, every time I am going to perform, there is a feeling of...hmmm,
not exactly stage fright, but apprehension, anticipation, excitement,
beforehand. I welcome that, because I think it is closely linked to
focussing on the performace, and I would worry if I didn't feel that.
Don't want to hyperventilate with terror, but I don't want to be totally
casual and blase, either.
--Barra