In high school I took up oboe and was *driven* to play it as well as
possible. I loved the sound of the instrument, I loved how you could
soar on those long notes, and I loved the fact that it wasn't an
instrument very many people played. I didn't have to worry about
competition - in my high school I *was* the oboe section. I had a lot
of good experiences, because oboe was in demand - and ended up playing
in a youth symphony and in the county and state honor bands. But
inevitably I'd screw up my auditions and I'd feel like I was a big
fake. That I wouldn't be getting these opportunities if I played
clarinet or flute. That's probably true, but while I was cataloguing
my faults as a musician I did have good tone on the instrument (the
oboe sounds like a squawking goose unless you really work at it!), and there
must have been some sort of musicianship coming across, otherwise I wouldn't
have gotten those opportunities no matter how good my tone!
Anyway, all through high school and into college the joy I felt in
playing in an orchestra or ensemble managed to outweigh the traumatic
experiences of auditions and juries, which I continued to screw up on
a regular basis. The final blow came during my junior year of
college. I had been working on the Mozart Oboe Concerto and
absolutely loving it. It was a real breakthrough for me - I loved the
piece and could play it well enough that even I liked how I sounded.
Then came the final jury of the year. I'd spent so much time on the
Concerto that I'd skimped on the preparation of scales and etudes.
But when I finally got out to play, I was grilled by the woodwind
professors on the scales and etudes that I hadn't prepared well
enough, and they wouldn't let me move on to the Concerto. Mind you -
I was *not* a Music major. I was an English major who took oboe
lessons and played in the orchestra for the love of it. Rightly or
wrongly I found it a huge betrayal of my teacher - and of the other
woodwind professors who I was also friendly with - that I couldn't go
on to play the music I loved. I was so upset by the time they did let
me move on that I then couldn't even play the Concerto. I started
over a couple of times, then burst into tears and left the stage.
That was it, as far as I was concerned. I had no intention of being a
professional oboist so what was the point in continuing to put myself
through these awful experiences.
I abandoned music for four years, until one day I saw a folk harp in a
store window, and I found myself going back to that window .... I got
the harp, and found a teacher. From the start my harp teacher
expected me to work towards arranging and creating my own music. A
completely different world opened up for me. The harpers in my area,
the South Bay (S.F. Area) were encouraging and friendly, and applauded
my first efforts at making and playing my own arrangements, etc. We were
colleagues, not in competition with each other but traveling together,
sharing a love for the harp and recognizing the music and heart that
each one of us can offer - no matter what one's skill level. I have
them to thank for providing me with such good, supportive experiences
that I've managed to overcome most of my stagefright and to actually
become something that I never thought I was capable of being - a
performer!
No, I don't believe that competition and heartlessness is the real
world (and if it is, we ought to work damn hard to change it!).
Musical experiences ought to be enriching, nurturing and joyful
experiences - creating music is such an expression of the self! In
Harpers Hall we're trying to come up with ways to offer rewarding,
positive, *empowering* (I like that word, Tina!) musical experiences
for our members of all levels. We have a harp orchestra already, but
we're planning on also forming smaller ensembles of 4-6 harpers of
mixed levels - so that everyone who wants to has the opportunity to
play fun music, and to contribute musically and signicantly to an
ensemble, but doesn't have the pressure of carrying it all alone (as
in playing solo in a harp circle).
Cheers,
Jane Valencia
jtk@baruk.zendo.com
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